I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
