I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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