sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize