My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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