I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
