Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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