Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We have so much sex to catch up on
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
