I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
