you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
