you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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