I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Pooping to opera.
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