I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
