Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
