you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
