Got a toothbrush?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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