I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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