I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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