When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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