Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
