4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The air was thick with penises
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
last night I used snow as a chaser
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
