I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
