Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
