I hate your face
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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