I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
