i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want a musical about memes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
