also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
