I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
