No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
