I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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