I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is classic penis vs brain.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
