dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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