return my video game
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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