So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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