you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
