if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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