I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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