go do what you do best...puke behind churches
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
