So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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