I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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