I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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