sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
