would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
