I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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