You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
