Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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