Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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