he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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