VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
