I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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