Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
