Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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