youre lurking in front of me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
