my phone needs a breathalizer
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
