from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I understand Curling. That high.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
