I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
