You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
