I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
