It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
