I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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