you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
