I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
