I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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