Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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