My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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