Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
