I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
