you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
