so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
