Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize