Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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