I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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