Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
