I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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