I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
