every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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