just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
