Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
